Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?

Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.

No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me

Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?

Me: Are you surprised I like kids?

Him: I’m surprised you had sex.

I’ve had 3 bagels in 5 days as long as I don’t eat another bagel for four more days

My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete

Horror movies have ruined the joy of skinnydipping for me 🙁

Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger

Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer

My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.

I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.

The joke is on this spin class instructor.

My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.

Desperation

-Fragrance by Social Media

you want me to attend a work meeting? the thing that killed Julius Caesar?

The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.

Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise

Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!

Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up

[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”

Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.

Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes

Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing

Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?

Welcome to your 40s.

Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.

If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.

[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*

“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner

I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.

Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.

*Adorns new baby with:

Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*

They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!