A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
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Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Ad placement of the day
#ooh
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*