A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
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What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
The probiotic bottle says there’s a billion good bacteria in every dose. How do we know they’re all good? Out of a billion can we be sure there’s not one mean ass microbe just waiting to escape the capsule and kill someone?
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.
What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?