Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?

A completely valid reaction tbh

these articles are so helpful. the thing I’ve always found tricky about money is knowing how much I should have

A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.

When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.

definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life

Breaking News:

I did 3/16th of a complete push-up

Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right

Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears

Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?

Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?

Her:

Me: I’ll be the thimble.

Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.

Both hands Mommy!

-my 4yo the backseat driver.

This election could drag on for days. Unless someone captures the Snitch, then it ends immediately.

🤣dope

I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects

*London, 1592*

Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order

Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?

Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*

2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.

My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.

Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.

*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*

I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby

me: I think I’m losing my marbles

proctologist: I’m finding them

Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.

Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.

Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*

Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.

*decides to workout*

*lays on ground to do sit-up*

*find skittle on ground*

*eats it*

*takes nap*

*seduces you by wearing a sundress

*ruins it by running in flip flops

Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman

[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon

[lying in bed after sex]

Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark

So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…

Did Mary have a little lamb?

The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!