Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.

learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar

When you’re here for the treats.

Air conditioners are just human refrigerators

Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.

Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.

June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok

[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.

I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.

[driving]

WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?

ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?

I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything

this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W

The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash

If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.

my recent google searches:

— how to colour your own hair

— how to fix a bad dye job

— Wigs By Tiffani

— hats

— making the most of your time in isolation

Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.

MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?

To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later

Me: 🎶I don’t wanna work
I wanna bang on my drum all day
Every day when I get home from work
I feel so frustrated, the boss is a jerk
I get my sticks and go out to the shed
And I pound on that drum like it was the boss’s head
Because-🎶

Boss: Reminder to mute yourselves, please

I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?

SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1

Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?

Me: No, absolutely not.

SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2

Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?

Me: After you eat your real breakfast.

SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3

Kid: What’s for breakfast?

Me: Popsicles.

Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.

Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs

Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.

-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!

Cow it started Cow it’s going

Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today

Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?

Time for evil

I buy blocks of cheese.

For the grater good.