Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.

me: im depressed

therapist: try a good walk

me: will that work

therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*

My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family

If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.

Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.

I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth

Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.

[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee

Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.

I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.

If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.

Sounds like a real hoot.

My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.

Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*

Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that

Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.

Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes

I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.

Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill

Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.

“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”

the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm

Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car

“Huge”.

[Getting chased by cops after heist]

Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.

Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER

Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom

[Funeral]

Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today

Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!

Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat

My brother and dad have been arguing over a broken PS1 since February 2000. My brother said my dad broke it one night drunk. Truth is my mate broke it claiming he knew how to chip it and I’ve never told anyone. My mum is on my brother’s side. Comes up at least 5 times a year.

[googles “camaflage spiders”]

-no results-

phew.

wait…

[googles “camouflage spiders”]

-11,345,453 results-

motherf