Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..

It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”

If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.

“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”

men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore

The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.

I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.

When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous

Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays

Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works

My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.

*learns about complementary colors*

in my head:

red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys

Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.

“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”

*the man grating parmesan stops*

“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”

Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.

DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”

I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.

I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…

… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.

I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.

Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.

Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.

*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*

If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.

we need to bring back easter eggs on DVDs in case the Doctor ever needs to communicate with someone thirty years in the future to warn them about a race of terrifying sentient statues with the power to send people back in time.

Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.

Dentist: Do you floss?

Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough

“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato

*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?

I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.

Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit

You call the carnival ride dangerous.

I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”

Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter

As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.