A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
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I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
edward cullen in class having to learn about the spanish influenza for the 57th time like it wasn’t the thing that killed him
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
no one:
my cat: look, i am 56 years old and i used to be homeless so i think i’m entitled to eat just a little plastic,
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Isn’t
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
3% human
97% stress
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant