A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
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Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
i- i did not expect this
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
saving face 👀
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
born to say “are you fucking stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
crying at my desk while also finding time to cry in the shower makes for a healthy work-life balance
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
I’m not saying Lois Lane is a bad investigative journalist, but my friend Greg didn’t wear glasses to work yesterday and I recognised him by lunch time.