A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
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Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.
Bed should get ready for ME
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
I went from rags to one rag.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
I hate when that happens.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.