A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
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Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
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Just take a day off
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
My phone is so dry I haven’t even gotten a text from a politician
Boss: How was vacation?
Me: Better than this.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
