A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
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Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
What goes “ooooooooo”?
A cow with no lips.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Well, well, well. How the wheels on the bus have gone round and round.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.