A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
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When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
I am, perchance
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
m&m’s call their smallest pack the “fun size”. Sorry, that’s not fun. A 3 lb bag would be a lot more fun
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
they say if you lose one of your senses the others become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day just by looking at them
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
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give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Spotted in New Orleans.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search