Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh my god

Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.

My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.

I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.

these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro

Pretty much! 😂👀

In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏

This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.

My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old

‘Was that really necessary?’

~slapped newborns

ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur

Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder

Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra

I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.

Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred

I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.

I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!

Said by nobody.

Ever.

Me: Table for 1.

Host: Just 1?

Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?

TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them

Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.

orange cat behavior

Who’s drunk

*raises leg

I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades

Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.

not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!

3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?

Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.

[AGM of potato mashers]

“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”

women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close

The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans

[watching Tangled with my Daughter]

Daughter: dada

Me: yes?

Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?

Me: I mean-I do now.