Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my 6 year old if he wanted to try out again for the school play and he said no I think I’ll take a break from Hollywood.

lol

Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”

Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain

Married with Children was much funnier on TV.

Label: Non-habit forming

Me: Challenge accepted

“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”

“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”

“That’s exactly what I just said.”

[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*

Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.

Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.

If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB

when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”

I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.

Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose

Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?

[first day at ninja school]
*wonders if i’m in the right room as i can’t see or hear anyone else*

I love when you stroke my ego.

My ego is inside my panties.

“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”

I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.

“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”

“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”

I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.

*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis

I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.

BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?

FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it

Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.

In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.

my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.

I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.

[first date]

Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole

Her: I know how juice boxes work

Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?

Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.

Wife: Of course not, where is he?

Me: I just told you.