A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
You Might Also Like
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Tried biscuits in gravy. Not sure why Americans rave about it.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
There is no try. There is only give up.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.