A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
You Might Also Like
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
the red hot silly peppers
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
when i say “i hate drama” i mean i hate being involved in drama. other ppl drama? big fan
love it when they get my name right
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Every haunted house movie:
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
My 9yo: the best teacher name at my school is Ms. Huggies.
Turns out her name is Ms. Hughes, but I’m gonna let that one ride for a while.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.