Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom

Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?

I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes

WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?

ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.

I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.

[House Hunters]

*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*

“I can’t eat all of that!”

… and other lies I tell

Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.

[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]

ME: i’m sor-

HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?

I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.

His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.

Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?

Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog

I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.

Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade

Me: Sweet!

Clerk: Exactly

My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.

My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.

You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”

[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite

The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”

“Girl, same.”

– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.

Me, trying to settle down in bed.

My dog: Raises head high, sniffs repeatedly, then intently stares directly over my head for a good 10- 15 seconds, then shoves his head under a pillow.

Anyone know an exorcist?

Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.

Worst police interrogation ever.

What light through yonder window breaks…

Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!

date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs

me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks

Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.

How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto

me, late night cleaning: I am an adult woman

also me: I am not opening the blinds to clean the patio door because murderers

Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!

[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]

ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!

MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!

ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK

Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.

I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.