A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Webb. James Webb.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Thoughts
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
