A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
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There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday