A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
“Go big or go home” bro that’s literally the easiest decision of my entire life
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
we had to replace our dishwasher a few months ago and i genuinely had to argue with the store that i wanted the stupidest machine they had. there is not a single situation in the world in which my dishwasher needs wifi
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
