Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.

So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?

My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other

[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it

[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane

Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.

Dog: I will guard you with my life!

Cat: What was your name again?

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.

Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.

Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

You were the hot single in your area the whole time.

Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.

Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.

When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.

Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.

when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”

You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.

the only career advice i have is make every decision that moves you closer to not having to be on linkedin

Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.

Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day

I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit

If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out

Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs

BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?

Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.

I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.

I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.

in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times

I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.

Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.