Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years

British cheese: We briefly scared a cow

American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine

this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray

I used humor as a defense mechanism.

Also bear traps.

You can’t be too careful.

When you stub your toe but there are kids around.

Don’t touch that.

50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.

I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.

I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!

I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.

ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”

SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*

ME [shaking] omg that’s him!

Friends are like bananas.

If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:

The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?

If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.

waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good

Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.

God: yes.

Gorilla: I have no natural predators.

God: yes.

Gorilla: I literally live here.

God: yes.

Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?

God: exactly.

Gorilla: who is?

God: it’s kind of hard to explain-

Lion: did you tell him yet?

My flight did not give out free water so I asked for a glass of ice instead and documented the journey to a free water

Checkmate, Allegiant

Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?

Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.

Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.

4-year-old: You have to clean, too.

Me: They’re your toys.

4: It’s your floor.

Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.

hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!

do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?

If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…

My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.

*Password looks at itself in the mirror*

“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”

I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.

Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.

Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.

i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell

My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.