A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
You Might Also Like
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.