A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
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love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
smart people are like huskies
if you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork