A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
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date: what music do you listen to?
me: oh, uhh you know. crosby, stills. (1 hour later) nash. (sending her a text message the next day) and young
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
I have an actual woodpecker in my backyard and now I can see why these guys had so many problems with Woody. I wouldn’t throw a grenade at him or anything but I might if I had one
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan