Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.

Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.

For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.

socratic questions

I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.

I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.

Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!

I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.

My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?

Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child

*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.

“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot

“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wife

Same

I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again

Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields

*6yo sneezes*

Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?

6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*

To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.

Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?

Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.

Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.

Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.

me: righty tighty lefty loosey

frankenstein: stop

he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young

someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc

hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it

I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.

Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.

Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…

The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.

Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.

Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.

My dog ate my work from home.

Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.

Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.

Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.