Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”

It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.

Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.

Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*

Four-year-old: Look, a rock!

Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”

[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k

Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.

My coworker just told me this funny joke.

A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.

Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?

fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”

So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension

I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets

Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.

[divorce court]

her: he was unfaithful

him: thats a lie!

judge: do you have proof?

her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me

him: judge, thats not being unfa-

judge: shut your cheating mouth!

You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion

Restaurant toilets are dangerous!

So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!

I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.

Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽‍♀️

Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss

My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again

Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!

Monday: *exists*

Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.

You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?

My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”

I replied “No…”

She responded: “How about now?”

Why does Mommy always say no?

Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.

football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays

Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow

I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank

Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!

Me: Have you ever had an accident?

Her: No, I’m on the pill.

Me: (Sigh)