Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.

Follow me for more relationship advice.

Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…

a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry

Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.

I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.

My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.

I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.

my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”

Me: You want me to wear a rubber?

Her: ideally, you’ll wear two for extra protection.

Me: But I like to be able to feel the dishes as I wash them

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘monosyllabic’

“Can you describe it in a sentence?”

Yes

if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.

Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!

*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*

Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary

2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you

Me, handing out Halloween candy

doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions

My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?

My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.

My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.

Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?

Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?

Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.

there is no greater joy than helping to make a friend’s dream come true

How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?

My dad: Which highway did you take?

Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff

you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve

The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?

the answer was staring at me all along

Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.

Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!

The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t

… and be generous with the lollipops

– me holding up a bank