@whostrevors

A moment of silence for the fat friend in a group of girls who can’t jump high enough to be in the “mid air” beach picture 🙁

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@FredTaming

Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for

Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law

@iMonkGreen

If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.

@LurkAtHomeMom

The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.

@3sunzzz

Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.

@SoAnyway1

I remember the first time I saw my girlfriend, her hair was blowing in the wind, but she was too proud to run after it.

@Marlebean

“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”

{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.

@Tmoney68

Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”

@

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@TheHyyyype

finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird

@Divergentmama

As my kids get older, I am more convinced that drinking water fixes everything.

Have a stomachache – drink some water
Have a headache – you really need to drink more water
Bear attack on the way to school – I bet the bear was dehydrated, here have a glass of water