The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
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During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today