A moment of silence for the fat friend in a group of girls who can’t jump high enough to be in the “mid air” beach picture ๐Ÿ™

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[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinciโ€™s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold โ€œhot dog wiseโ€ and not โ€œhamburger wise.โ€ [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]


*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Table: No


Clark Kent “I have a confession”

Lois Lane “what is it?”

*Clark removes his glasses*

Lois “Is it a bird?”



Me: *loudly* why is everyone here a goth

Wife: quiet down you’re interrupting the funeral

Me: *whispering* why is everyone here a goth


I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.

We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”


Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie


The neighbor’s dog has barked non stop for three hours.

And now I know how the Chinese first discovered that dogs make a tasty snack.


me: alexa what happens when we die

alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering

me: wait what

alexa: what


Daughter just told me my hair looks good. The request for a ride will be coming in less than 10 minutes.


One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!