[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
A moment of silence for the fat friend in a group of girls who can’t jump high enough to be in the “mid air” beach picture 🙁
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*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Me: *loudly* why is everyone here a goth
Wife: quiet down you’re interrupting the funeral
Me: *whispering* why is everyone here a goth
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.
We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
The neighbor’s dog has barked non stop for three hours.
And now I know how the Chinese first discovered that dogs make a tasty snack.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
Daughter just told me my hair looks good. The request for a ride will be coming in less than 10 minutes.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!