A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
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I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
Rude much 😂😂😂
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
