Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.

Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.

My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.

Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then.

1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .

2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.

3rd Guy: I agree.

4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.

1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.

All of these stories about missing campers.

Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.

Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.

So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.

[does ten push ups] I am a weapon

Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3

I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.

my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…

One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.

I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.

as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.

No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you

Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.

These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.

landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard

Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.

“losing/taking virginity”

– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?

“sexual debut”

– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved

Olympics: carry this lit torch across the world

Smokey the bear: o hell no

Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.

Her: That’s fine by me!

*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*

‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’

Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.

Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.

Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.

Whoever came up with “penny for your thoughts,” “don’t nickel and dime me,” and “another day another dollar” sure knew how to coin a phrase.

If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.

But nope, it was just me getting ready.

adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck