A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
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stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”
Hmmmmmmm….
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Oh my god
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Why the hell does that hurt now?
Me, waking up every morning.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.