A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
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“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
My first son he is wonderful
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.