Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If y’all see a mushroom cloud over north Mississippi don’t worry it’s just me burning all the Amazon boxes.

Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell

I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.

If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge

I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.

Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.

Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.

there was a fight tonight in ~hot sculpted yoga tonight bc one girl took another girl’s mat and it ended w the first girl *flicking the other girl’s forehead* after the teacher saying “don’t do it..don’t do it…DON’T DO IT’ and when she did it the whole class collectively gasped

My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀

I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.

My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.

they should invent a hydrating liquor

The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing

We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.

If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:

WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something

ME: *gulps* oh no

WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”

[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.

[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.

Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water

A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”

I could have died and those would have been my last words

My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.

I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian

Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket

Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato

Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go

Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly

My 4-year-old:

Me:

4-year-old: You’re spilling.

me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings

If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.

MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.

Baffled by bra hooks.

Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”