A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
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wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Mistakes were made
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.