Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”

Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.

Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job

Willy Wonka:

Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now

Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?

Amazon: It’s 15% off.

Me: Well, in that case…

friend: I was named after my father

me: *aware of how time flows* correct

My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”

Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend

[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]

Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are

Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?

Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..

Living the best life.. 😊

Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.

Wife: can you pick up milk?

Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy

Wife: I mean from the store

Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too

Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.

It’s true.

After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.

[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen

The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”

Ways cats are like toddlers:

– They love unrolling toilet paper

– They eat from cat bowls

– They suck at doing my taxes

– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge

That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.

A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble

Authorities claim that a Canadian company is at the centre of an international pyramid scheme. The company hasn’t responded to the accusation, but they did ask two people to respond for them, and each one asked two people to respond for *them*, and so on.

I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.

If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.

You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.

The composer Erik Satie once spent a week in jail for sending insulting postcards to a journalist who gave him a bad review. One read ‘I shit on you with all my force’.

I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions

Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking

Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces

[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]