A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
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me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
receive Botox for severe facial tics and before I get the shots, I smear a numbing cream all over my face (because the shots are painful). When my neurologist came in the room and asked how I was, I said “I can’t feel my face when I’m with you.” I thought it was funny🤷♀️
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
It makes me sad that kids these days will never know the joy of clapping back with “it’s time to get a watch” when someone asked what time it was.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!