A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
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If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
“How funny would it be if we made the packaging hard to open on a regular day, but nearly impossible if you’re bleeding out?”
– makers of band-aids
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.