Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*

You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid

Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks

im a single issue voter and this is my issue

We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-

“Please stop narrating everything.”

The best part about your kids being sick is you get to see exactly how shitty you’re going to feel in 48 hours

You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital

I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent

My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”

Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!

I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white

Very problematic

[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect

THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.

ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.

the last thing a carrot sees

ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked

“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders

Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.

ME: I’m anti-murder

MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded

Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.

Cop: Stop playing the race card.

Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”

As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?

A Haiku For My Salad:

I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad

You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.

a god among men

*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*

My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.

i know i’m gonna be alone forever because one time i went on a date with a guy who told me he was an optometrist for the veterans association and i said “haven’t they seen enough”

I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.

I eat them now.

[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you

[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP

To clarify:

DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.

DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.

Hope this helps!