Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.

There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.

And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.

I pride myself on being able to take a joke. That’s how I ended up with so many jokes.

“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*

Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.

i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort

Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭

When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.

My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”

Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.

Think you know guilt?

*takes long drag on cigarette*

I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.

*exhales*

I hear Simba’s screams every night.

6-year-old: Spill me some milk.

Me: You mean “pour.”

6: Not the way you do it.

Ok team, today we’re …..oh

Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-

Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks

“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives

All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.

Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s

My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.

“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.

constantly working on myself.

What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?

“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly

Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.

5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?

My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”

Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them

Oh.
You have a boyfriend

But…
can he do this…

( flexes flab )

every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste

Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.

Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”

Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears