A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
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I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Well, this explains it:
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
ok but what if they had media literacy
(this was funnier in my head)
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
ok like just. call me at this point
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
August 8
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene