Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[robbing Whole Foods]

“All the cash in a bag NOW!”

100% organic reusable bag ok?

“Yes!”

[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag

Always

One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.

This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!

If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.

Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.

Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.

I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken

So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream

Debate Night is anytime you ask, “so, where do you want to eat?”

PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”

ME: “31.”

P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”

M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”

People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.

[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions

[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant

If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.

Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.

If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.

“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”

If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio

[staring up at the sky]

ME: what does that cloud look like to you?

11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category

ME: well I see a corn dog

“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times

“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.

Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.

Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*

Me *giddy* I take their breath away!

What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.

They should let you spend one night in a house before you buy/rent it, just to make sure it’s haunted.

lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-

me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!

[carnival]

me: I’d like an elephant!

face painter: on your cheek or…?

me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised

Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!

When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.

They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.