Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)

Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.

Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.

“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja

“Eat me,” said the noun

“Say what?” said the verb.

“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.

“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.

Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?

Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!

“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?

Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.

Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?

Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.

Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.

Me: Santa, why are women so scary?

Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.

I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.

Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.

I ate it.

Then looked for more.

[First ever date]

ME: I just didn’t feel a spark

CAVEWOMAN: a what?

I need one of those breweries with like a hundred things on tap but for different kinds of soup. A stewery if you will

Unsolved mysteries, cat edition

Bagged lunch circa 1984

-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”

person walking by my house:

my dog: I’ve killed people for less

Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??

Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.

Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead

I’ve been learning to cook.

The Friday File.

I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…

…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.

Person: Do you have a license for that thing?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.

Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.

Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.

6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.

[1st date]

HER: I’m really into PETA

ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus

Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.

Mouse