A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
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I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
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godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
I’ve been drinking.
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Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
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I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
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I hope Usain is training his daughter. Can’t let a name like Olympia Lightning Bolt go to waste, sorry
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
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When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.