A Monday every week is excessive
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You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Friend: Since 2024 is almost over what have you accomplished this year?
Me: I don’t like your tone
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*