A Monday every week is excessive
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My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.
I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance