A Monday every week is excessive
You Might Also Like
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
can I use a minion as a tampon
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
someone just bragged they had two jobs.
this country is so lost.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.