A Monday every week is excessive
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Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
The options really are this bad
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Usually I have to be home for Thanksgiving surrounded by family to see a 27 year old fist fight a 58 year old
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.