A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
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Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Me: Makes a Reddit post about my efforts to avoid arguing about politics with my parents over Thanksgiving.
Reddit users: Yeah, but you probably want to argue politics with strangers, right? Because I’m angry about the following things…
Nope, no thank you.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.