A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
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Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
{4 way stop}
Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please