Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’

Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’

Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘

Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’

Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.

cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go

My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.

I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven

Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.

If all the prison guards agree to count the inmates, it’s a con census consensus.

if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.

I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!

[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt

I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.

We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:

Omelet Easydozen

Florentine Pepperbatter

Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything

serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?

Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.

Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*

“It’s the most wonderful crime of the year!” I crooned running away with the pot of Santa’s donations.

Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?

Me: *chainsaw noises*

“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago

my kid had a horrible coughing fit in the middle of the night. Too young for cough medicine, the internet suggested a lollipop. 30 min later, he was still coughing so I’m still trying to find solutions when he declines and says, “I’m just waiting for the lollipop to kick in”

The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.

It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.

Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??

Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!

Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..

my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted

I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now

*Drunk dials Mr. Clean

My house is soooooo dirty right now.

Yup

My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.