Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.

But hey, Karen got a puppy!

A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”

That seems sus.

I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.

We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.

Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”

You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist

[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU

My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”

I am a genie. I grant you three wi—

Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!

Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday

me: WHEN IS THAT

[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken

“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.

[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?

hamster: no

I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking

Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart

It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.

No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook

imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit

Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.

When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher

I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring

Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.

[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]

Me: are you breaking up with me?!

Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?

Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me

Demon: why are you this way

Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text

THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?

ME: Love.

T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?

M: Also love.

*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*

today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born

I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?

“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”

-me, trying to put a crib together

It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.