Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.

The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.

Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.

*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.

[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*

The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.

I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.

if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.

When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal

My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house

(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”

[NASA March 1970]

Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?

NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!

[NASA April 1970]

[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]

I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.

I call my period Shark week.

I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere

{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?

If you get injured playing peekaboo, you end up in the ICU.

#ParentingFacts

A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.

If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.

I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.

Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.

Find yourself some cake.

This is amazing.

I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.

Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge

the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun

Only Americans understand

[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you

Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer

[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album

Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone

Him: But, you hate coconut?

Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.

“What is that the trees outside in the wind?”

– Me in bed, wondering what the sound of my dry crusty feet on my sheets is