A mosquito bit me and now it’s gotten a DUI and an intervention
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Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.