A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
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Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
What a website
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Working with older people is annoying sometimes. Sir, your lunch at my age was Gin. Why you hassling me about adding salad dressing?!
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Mail is crazy because it’s like 99 pieces of straight up garbage and 1 that if you don’t reply to you’re going to jail.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.