Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up

Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10

Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.

“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”

-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving

My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts

You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.

*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!

Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?

Husband: GET UP!

My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment

The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.

Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.

When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.

How to make infinite energy.

JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all

GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this

CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*

Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?

Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?

RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket

Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles

What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.

*Computer crashes, I reboot it*

Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.

Me: Don’t put this on me, man.

Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.

Beautiful woman who approaches my friend: Hey! You’re the father of one of my kids
Friend: Listen I got a good life, we both agreed it was a one time thin-
Woman: I’m his English teacher

How do you plead?

“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”

Bribery is illeg-

“A baker’s dozen” *winks*

Case dismissed

Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.

movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else

time traveler: i love your volcano

pompeiian: our what?

time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain

just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf

i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”

I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.

Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.

I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.