Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.

My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.

Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?

Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-

Them: Oh Jesus

Me: -the portable hat!

*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*

If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.

murder on the timeline

*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”

With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.

Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target

[getting murdered]

me: my computer has a virus, so u could say

[murdering pauses]

me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol

[murdering intensifies]

GF: What’s my biggest flaw?

ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you

GF: No come on, I mean pacifically

ME: We should split up

All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?

*calls 911*

Hey, I found some big guns.

*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*

Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”

Me: *looks up from phone*

“What?”

my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back

Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-

Why my cw hates me

Got a light

made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich

Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.

Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.

Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.

Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!

Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social

Cat:

Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous

Cat:

*power goes out*

Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*

Cat: you were saying

Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.

I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.

All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.

I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito

Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.

I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.

FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt

PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something

FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill