A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
You Might Also Like
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Cardio Made Easy
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Best table by far
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
