A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
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Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.