Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Turning off led flashlight.

Led flashlight: hahahahaha

I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ

*wins lottery*

Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves

Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—

Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!

if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back

Fun Prank:

Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move

I’m pushing for thankgiving to be at my place because I’m not a good cook, but according to every underdog sports movie I’ve ever seen, the higher the stakes the likelier it’ll all work out

Kids: Stay in school.

*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel

WHAT DO WE WANT!?

A forum for passive aggressive behavior!

WHEN do we want it?

NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.

Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉

Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily

My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.

nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude

Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?

I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.

I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”

[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating

*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”

Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet

Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.

My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.

Dr: How may I help?

Me: Wife says I’m overweight

D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands

[later]

Wife: How’d it go?

M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music

Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*

NINE MONTHS LATER

*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes

[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??

The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.

A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.

I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.

9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.

Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.

9: I don’t want to get it wet.

When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere

When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by

On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.

My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.

Dating is rough.