a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
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[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Most intimate spam text i’ve ever received
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
Who did this…? 💫⚡️