Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.

Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all

Him: plays dead

I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.

I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.

Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it

I hope this email finds you-

Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close

from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically

[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.

menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy

Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut

Me: well I use a bigger bowl now

“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.

My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.

The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.

It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.

“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement

did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?

Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?

Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more

You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?

I wish I could do that for my life in general.

I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.

1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?

-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation

Executioner: Any last words

Me: No, I’m –

My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call

you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.

Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.

Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.

Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.

Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.

Her: You should feel right at home then.

Me: 😐

me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax

flock of early birds: guess again

Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*

Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE

Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??

Octopus:

My signature move is illegal in 37 states.

Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.

Me: Absolutely. Email me?