A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
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When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Man wait until y’all realize that I’m the same person who posted this back in the day 😭
My life has BEEN weird. I got stories for days.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Dermatologist just told me this surgery is going to leave a scar.
Can we have a moment of silence for the death of my modeling career?
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
What to do when threatened by a bear:
1. Play dead.
2. No longer have to pretend.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
What is the difference between unlawful and illegal?
One is against the law, the other is a sick bird
Today marks 3 years since I sold my red fridge on Gumtree, under the listing ‘RED FRIDGE’.
When the buyer arrived, he asked for £50 off because he “didn’t know it’d be red”.
Here’s the picture I used for the ad.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.