A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
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Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
So cool that avocados come with those little wooden balls inside, I think I have collected the whole set
Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
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Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.