A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
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I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
a lot to unpack here
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”