A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
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*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
can’t stop thinking about that time at the planetarium where they showed us a picture of earth and everyone booed.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
“Your copier’s not working right. My copies all came out blank.”
“Looks like you ran them through wrong-side-up.”
“So, what, I need to flip them over?”
“Or we could turn the copier upside-down but that seems like a lot of work.”
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
I read that the average Thanksgiving dinner for 10 people this year will cost around $58. I can only imagine they must be figuring the 10 people will be small children and the only thing they’ll be eating is the dinner rolls
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
idk why doctors only give stickers to kids?
like hello i was also brave today
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Cardio? Is that in Spain?