A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
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It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
He doesn’t bite he is more into sabotage
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.