[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
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How high do the levels go?
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.
“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”
I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
I bet birds love this building.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Read an interesting statistic this morning: ‘Over 73% of women are deeply unhappy with their sex life.’ I still have no idea how it got laminated and stuck on the fridge door at home though.
Lovingly looking at my dog knowing I’m ab to ruin her day with a bath
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”