Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The fall of Netflix

fedex driver: can i get a name?

sauron: i have many names

fedex driver: ok i just need one tho

BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.

I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh

Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”

*plugs phone into charger*

“You like that huh?”

“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”

As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.

“SAY IT.”
“I’m a dirty little plant.”
“And what do you want?”
“I want you to water me.”
“I’m gonna water you so hard.”
“That’s how I like it.”

Me: Can I have $5?

Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?

I never know how much to tip a cow.

I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists

Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder

Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit

Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that

Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more

Them: what charity are you raising money for?

Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?

Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-

Me: I’ll take it.

Them: Sir?

Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.

*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*

*skinny dips to be on the safe side*

Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.

School be like

If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.

I WON A HAM TODAY

“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know

My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle

The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.

Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.

I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.

I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.

Plants are ALIVE, vegans.

You disgust me.

If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.

No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.

Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.