A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
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Some good places you can stay for free:
In your own lane
Out of my business
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
I’d love this…lol
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”