Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.

Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”

Waiting for toast to toast takes forever unless you walk away for 10 seconds, then it burns

Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.

Judge, “Don’t.”

Me, “I rest my case.”

Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.

scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit

I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.

me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada

Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.

Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?

I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”

imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that

I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now

I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.

insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired

In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.

Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.

-my cat.

People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.

Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.

They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope

I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet

Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!

Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…

Him: Ok,enough FFS.

Me: oooo, angry!

me: wow you must be pretty hoarse

dracula: why would I be hoarse

me: from all that coffin lmao

Class: you want us to what

Super Mario, water aerobics instructor: eat the mushroom, swim up and punch the bricks, itsa so easy

Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!

Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.

I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.

When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens

The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.

[first date]

Him: What are you passionate about?

Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.

Him: Animals?

Me: Haha. Sure…

I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955