Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that

wife: [sits up] oh my god

husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed

burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch

You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.

When they try to steal your moment.

I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: I use bad words

Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here

Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear

wife: how is it outside?

me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree

I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”

When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident. 

I’ve been learning to cook.

Me: cute infant you have there

Mary: thanks

Me: so tender and mild

Mary: …w-what

I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.

“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.

AM I BEING GASLIT????

Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.

My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.

[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife

It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.

I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.

[knock on my front door]

Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?

Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?

Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*

Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*

My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.

My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds

Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.

My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.

I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together

I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.

Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*

i don’t need to touch grass i need to touch one million dollars cash

WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?

INSOMNIAC: No

Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.

I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦