A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
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I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair